what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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