Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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