seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
