our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
