I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
