Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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