i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
