based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
