I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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