Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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