just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
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