DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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