my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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