i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
