I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize