I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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