I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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