Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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