All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I would fuck him just for his dog
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
