I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
