Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
