My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
