Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
