Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Never underestimate the power of titties
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
