my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
