haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
