Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
i think my cat just said my name.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
