i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
