I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
