cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
