i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
