what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
