Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
dude i'm inner monologue high
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
