hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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