he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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