i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
