she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
