When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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