there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
