Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
