we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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