My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
