just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
