I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
