You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
