Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize