I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
