I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
