In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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