FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
