totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
