Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
My penis needs a shock collar
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
