Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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