I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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