I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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