you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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