Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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