So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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