once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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