Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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