Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
