i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize