These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
