i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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