I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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