Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
The Olympian is in my bed
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
